When I actually sat down to start writing this post, I let out a HUGE sigh! A sigh of relief...A sigh of being ready to tell my story...A sigh of being ready to move forward and leave the past in the past. It is time to let go and move forward so that I can move forward and find that relationship that will be healthy, loving, and serving to me and my needs. Because friends, YOU have a choice! I will be the first to admit that being single these days is freaking hard, but it is a hell of a lot better than being in a shitty relationship. So let us talk...
I have been single for about 5-6 years...HOLY HELL that is a long time, but it is time, that I desperately have needed to heal, to grow, and to spend time figuring out WHO I AM! I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet. To be my own person. To really learn what I want in life and in a significant other. Yep, that is a lot of shit to work on! But that shit needs to be worked on. Because if you are not giving out positive vibrations, how can you attract a positive person?
For 10 years I was in two relationships that both were about five years long each and both were horrible in different ways, but gosh darn have they taught me a lot and they are still teaching me even today. During my twenties and into my early thirties I was kind of lost and confused. I was insecure. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing with my career. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to live. So it was easy for me to get sucked into relationships that distracted me from finding my purpose. It was easy for me to be taken advantage of. It was easy for me to be almost brainwashed, manipulated, used, and abused.
In a nutshell, I am just going to say this out loud and I will move forward because talking about these relationships is freaking hard. I look back and think to myself what the "F" was I doing! But it is in the past, it is done, and like I said at the beginning, once I write this out it is time to move FORWARD! These relationships are not pretty and they are sad and make me angry, but I know I am not alone because I know that there are women out there who have been in these situations. My life is far from perfect and like I have said in the past, this is a safe place for us to support each other...to inspire each other...to be there for each other through the good and the UGLY!
The first five-year relationship, I was taken advantage of financially. I was paying for all the bills and the rent and I wasn't even making much money. I then proceeded to walk in on him with another woman. And you know what...even after all of that, I proceeded to stay with him another year. FINALLY, I had the guts to say enough was enough. I of course lost a lot of money, but it was worth it. And as they always say...once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!
The second five-year relationship was totally different! At the beginning, it was one big party. I was going out 4 nights a week; drinking heavily; staying up all night; being wined and dined; not having to pay for anything; just having fun! But things took a drastic turn...I was physically abused. It only happened once. I left him but found myself back with him in a matter of weeks. There was no physical abuse, but there was verbal abuse. There would be times that the yelling was so intense, my old dog, would come sit by my side with her ears up and would NOT move. Friends would be embarrassed. I was embarrassed. I was scared. I felt so alone. What the hell was I going to do? What would happen next?
When I FINALLY realized that you cannot change a person, that I wasn't safe, that this was NOT NORMAL, I left. The hardest part about this break up was all the friends that I lost. One would think when someone is abusive they would support the person abused...this is not always true. This hurt me more than anything. When you go through hard things in life, that is when you TRULY see who your real friends are...And I found out real fast who they were and gosh I am grateful for them and will NEVER EVER forget what they did for me and how they helped me! Y'all know who you are and I can never thank you enough for what you did! XOXO
But now that this is ALL of my chest, this kind of explains why I am still single and why dating has been hard for me and why I have been taking my time to figure it out. I am ready, though, because it is time. I want to love someone with all my heart. I want to be loved. I want to be taken care of. And I freaking deserve it. And so do YOU! Letting this go feels AMAZING...Moving forward feels AMAZING...Knowing that I have learned, grown, healed, and know my purpose in life and where I want to live and what makes me happy is really freaking AMAZING!
Now that we are moving forward, we can now move forward with what dating life is like 30 miles out to sea...I am also going to ask some of my single friends to chime in and share their stories because honestly, it is funny. Yes..it is frustrating and ridiculous that some of this stuff happens, but it does. Y'all can make fun of "Sex and the City", but those scenarios REALLY do happen! Get comfortable. Get ready to laugh. Get ready to just have fun!
And thank you for listening to my story! And most importantly remember that you are NEVER alone. You deserve the best. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with respect every single day. You deserve it ALL! Never ever settle!