Saying Goodbye To NJ

It’s been a week since I went home to NJ to say goodbye to the house that I grew up in all 42 years of my life. I had so many mixed feelings about this trip. I knew it would be emotional. I knew it would be hard. I was nervous, sad, happy, and scared...but I knew that I needed to do this and close this chapter of my life, no matter how hard it was.

So I leaned in to ALL THE FEELINGS and it was the best thing that I could have done...I learned, I healed, I cried, I laughed, and I said goodbye to a home that gave me so much, taught me so much, and allowed me to grow into the woman that I am today. I could have not experienced all of this if it wasn’t for my Mom and Dad who gave us so much and a Mom who still GIVES so much to us. I am truly blessed! And that is why it made saying goodbye so hard, because I was closing a chapter on something that was so GOOD to me. Yes there were moments of pain, anger, and sadness, but all the GOOD moments outnumbered those by the millions! It was a special place and a place that will never be forgotten.

I love to bitch about NJ as do most people, but where I grew up was beautiful. A home that was nestled away in the woods, surrounded by so much lush green grass and trees, that when you fell asleep at night all you would hear were the crickets chirping and you could see the lightning bugs flying around. When it would snow, it was complete silence and there was nothing better than curling up under the blankets and just sleeping. I could go on and on and on...which is not a bad thing, but just not meant for here, so I will just hold onto those memories in my heart.

But let’s talk about some things that resonated with me for the 3 days that I was home.

My Mom

She is one strong, caring, loving, giving, intelligent, beautiful woman, who I love more than I can put into words. If you know Alberta, you know! For over 20 years after my father passed away, she took care of us kids and this home on her own. Her strength throughout those years is something that I admire and respect, because not many people would have done what she has done. She NEVER gave up on the house, our family, or herself. She is selling this house in perfect condition and trying to upkeep this house was no easy task, but she did it. 

I know that it is hard for her to leave it, but it is the right thing to do. It is time to close this chapter and start a new one, in another place that my Dad loved so much. And that is the thing, my Dad is always with us, always with her, and always watching over us. I cried a lot the last few hours I was home and my Mom and I just let it out and it felt so good to do that. It was raw and real, but we have each other. We have LOVE. We have FAMILY. And we have my DAD looking over us and that is what matters in the end!

Bringing Pieces Of Home With Me

We flew to NJ and then Shannon drove 14 hours back to our condo with a U-Haul truck packed solid with pieces of my home. At first, I didn’t think I wanted anything or needed anything, but when my Mom took us through the house and was willing to give us pieces to decorate our home, I couldn’t say no. Furniture, art, so many damn pictures, plants, and little memorabilia pieces that I knew would look good in my new office space, we were basically redecorating our space. 

I was excited about this and it felt right. It felt good to bring down these pieces to our home and for them to stay within the family. I think this also made my Mom not only happy, but more at peace, when she officially moves out. This plant has been with my Mom for over 20 years. My Dad’s office gave it to her, when my Dad was initially diagnosed with cancer and it is still thriving, growing, and is now with me! My Mom knows how sentimental I am, so she made sure to give me a lot of things that were important to my Dad. Insert tears...

I will share before/after pictures once everything is organized. There has been a lot of cleaning, purging, reorganizing, and clutter laying around (we may have 3 dressers in our bedroom right now!), but for the first time, I am just taking these changes one day at a time and not rushing the process. And grateful for Shannon, who knows how to build, assemble, and fix anything and everything!

Food For Thought

Because when you go back to NJ, you kind of have to talk about the FOOD! It is so damn good! The bread, the pizza, the delis, the dinners, the desserts...It was all so good and my taste buds were very happy and I left feeling fulfilled with all the good stuff. I didn't make it to my bagel place, but my “other Mother” informed me that she has some frozen NJ bagels for me when I go to visit her next week...YES!

Even though I had a day where my ED flared up, which I talk about here, being home and in a different environment allowed me to kind of assess food, my relationship with food, and what that all means moving forward for me. I didn’t bring my collagen or protein powder with me. I didn’t bring my protein bars. I left all that stuff behind and ate REAL food and just ate foods that brought me JOY!

We have made food so complicated. There are now so many rules about what you shouldn’t eat or should eat and honestly, I’m exhausted by it. And especially with someone recovering from ED, I’m over it. So it was so refreshing to eat my Mom’s delicious home cooked meals and eats from local businesses that I grew up with and love to support. I just ate. I didn’t binge. I felt fulfilled. I enjoyed the food and the company and the moments. That is how food should be enjoyed! I came back home with a different mindset that I have already been implementing this past week and it feels GOOD and I feel better about what I need to do and want to do as I move forward on this journey.

Saying Goodbye To My Dad

This was HARD and a moment that I tried to hold off until the last minute, because I am really good at procrastinating. Honestly though, the emotions about this moment really started a week before when I was in yoga in savasana and the tears just started pouring out. It’s been a while since I have cried in savasana, but the feelings leading up to this trip were intense and I realized that I just needed to LET GO and lean into all the feels, and once I did that, well the floodgates had been opened. I told myself that I would not hold back. I would let things happen and for the first time in a while, I did. It felt really really really good. I have not only been doing work on my health, but also myself and it is truly paying off, because I was able to show up for my Mom, my Dad in spirit, and myself, and that is why this trip turned out to be a success. 

But when I went to the cemetery to say goodbye to my Dad, well nothing really prepares you for that moment, those feelings, the memories, the love, and the grief. It is intense. I just sat there in the wet grass on a grey Sunday and let it happen. I let myself feel EVERYTHING! I cried, I talked to him, I asked for signs, I asked for protection, I just was all over the place, but I felt at peace and I was ready to move on. It was one of the hardest goodbyes for me and I came home crying to my Mom, but as we held each other and cried with each other, I knew we would be okay. His love for us is still around us and in us and that is why my Mom has been able to be so strong, why all of us are so strong, happy, loved, and successful in each of our own unique ways. He is always with us and that one he is one of the most amazing humans out there.

Have a beautiful weekend friends!

xoxo