Time For A Check In
It’s been a little over two weeks since I opened up about my eating disorder and I thought it would be a good time to talk about what I have been working on, how I have been feeling, the downs, but more importantly ALL THE UPS, and just how unbelievably GRATEFUL I am for all of the support I have received. I have never felt more confident and determined about tackling something, than this. I have been holding onto this nasty little secret for ten years...YES...ten years! So you can only imagine how it felt to let it out into the universe! It was TIME!
When I decided to start sharing this journey with y’all, I was so freaking scared, afraid of failing, afraid of being judged, but once I hit publish, I knew that this was the right thing to do. There was no turning back. It was time to do the work. It was time to heal. It was time to be REAL. It was time to inspire. This is my new purpose and it feels so freaking good. I truly feel passionate about sharing this journey with you, because there are so many people out there who struggle with this and if I can inspire just one person to get help or make changes, then my heart will be full. But being open about this process is also helping me stay accountable. And I am not holding back...You are going to see the real process of what is like to heal.
I have learned a LOT in these past few weeks! The hardest part for me right now is to let go of the CONTROL and the RULES that I have built up around me. Ten years of rules, restrictions, and controlling thoughts...that is a lot of SHIT to tear down! I was in deep and the only way for me to help myself was to ask for help. I needed someone to get me out of that deep hole. And I knew when I reached out to my Coach, I was ready to heal, but more importantly, I was ready to do the work.
I have failed. I have tried to go back to my old ways. I have cried. I have laughed. But more importantly, I am realizing how strong I am both mentally and physically, which has led to a lot of HECK YEAHS!
What Isn’t Working...
SLEEP - There have been a few nights, when I have woken up at 2:00 AM and haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I was wide awake and my tummy was already grumbling. One morning I just got up at 3:45 AM and started the day. That was a long day! No sleep is the lack of proper nutrients. I didn’t eat enough and I thought I could go back to my old ways and my body was like HELL NO! Lack of sleep can obviously be very detrimental to my hormones and muscle recovery and that is no bueno! Lesson learned and I learned it the hard way.
NOT EATING BEFORE WORKOUTS - How the hell did I workout on just two cups of coffee?!?! Again, I tried going back to my old ways and not eating until I was done with my workouts and this no longer works for me. When I didn’t eat something, my stomach would be grumbling and all I could think about was FOOD. It was a horrible feeling!
RESTRICTING THEN BINGEING - This was probably one of the biggest AH-HA moments that I had and it happened this past weekend. On Saturday, I went out with my GF’s and we ate all the food and drank all the prosecco, but I overdid it. I noticed that this has been happening a lot lately when I go out on the weekends and I am tired of it. I don’t like to use these words, but I’m going to use them for this, because it makes more sense. I will eat “clean” all week and then come Saturday and it is a full day of “cheat meals”. Basically what it comes down to, is I am still not eating enough on a daily basis, so the combo of booze and indulgent food ends up being a full-on pig fest. LOL! I know what I need to do and I am going to do the work. This one is going to be hard, but it is time to make a CHANGE!
What Is Working…
EATING BEFORE MY WORKOUTS - Seems like a real no-brainer, but as I have said, I got into an unhealthy pattern of not fueling before my workouts. My body got used to it, but it wasn’t performing at its best. NOW, when I do fuel before my workouts, it is a game-changer and I’m BACK! I have the energy. I have the endurance. I have all the happy vibes going through my mind and body. It feels so damn good. My Coach has started by eating up to 200 calories and one cup of coffee. It could be a banana, a protein bar, nuts, peanut butter, just something to get those necessary nutrients. The best part is that I look forward to fueling up before my workouts. My appetite is on fire and it is ready to eat upon waking and ready to GO! I cannot tell you how happy this makes me...VERY HAPPY!
TREATING MYSELF - I am working on this, but it is a hard one, because I have been restricting for so many years and have put up so many rules around my eating, that this will take time. Baby steps to saying YES to meeting up with friends for lunch or dinner...YES to treating myself to sweets, because I can...YES to just enjoying GOOD FOOD again!
JOURNALING - I have a journal next to my computer and I am also finding that as I just write here in these spaces, for you to read, it is also another form of journaling that is helping me heal. I am sharing a lot and sometimes it is scary, embarrassing, sad, and even angers me. This is an emotional journey as well, but the more I write and open up about it, the better I feel and the faster I can heal. I am owning my shit. I am throwing it out into the universe. And I am doing the work. And it is really freaking working!
GIVING MYSELF GRACE - One of my favorite words! And one that we all need to do for ourselves, because we are all trying to do our best in these weird-ass times. And for me, giving myself grace when it comes to food, social situations, relationships, work, and my workouts, is what I need to do to keep showing up and doing the work. It is not going to be perfect. It’ll probably be messy, but doing it with love, fearlessness, passion, and grace, will get me where I need to be!
BEING 100% HONEST WITH MYSELF - Always a hard one, but I have opened the floodgates and there is no turning back! I have been not only brutally honest with myself, but with my Coach and my friends. And it feels so good to let that shit out. It is the only way I can heal. If I don’t talk about the issues and admit them to myself, how can I get better? I’ve been holding onto them for a while and they are out in the open and it feels good. Do the work...Reap the benefits...Live your best life!
Please note that as I write about this journey, you may notice that I repeat myself a lot. You will see the words “restrict” and “control”, mentioned many times, but that is what I am learning to let go of, in all aspects of this disorder. And it has affected so many different parts of my life in different ways.
I promised myself that if I opened up about this you would see the ugly, but also the beauty of healing. I am okay. I will be okay. I am already thriving! One day at a time and it is feeling so good. I appreciate all of you and I appreciate all of your support!
I am not ashamed.
I am not scared.
I am not going to be controlled.
I am full of HOPE!
If you have any questions, you know how to reach me! I love hearing from y’all!
xoxo
